Tag Archive for 'Ramblings'


So yeah, I’ve been really neglecting this.

What’s happened… I fucked up college, I’m on anti-depressents (which are making a lot of difference really, I’m not half as OCD or panicky or frustrated as I was…)

Done most of my Christmas shopping, just need to ship out a couple of things to people and have a few new things arrive. We have a real tree this year, I carried it home on the bus and everything. Terence will be home for Christmas too so we have to make an effort! (But I wanted the real tree!)

I got a lovely box of stuff from Pavili… If you’re reading this, thankyou, you need to go on MSN more so I can thank you proper!

Got the book and the glow stars from you too, thanks :p They’ve been put under the tree.

Bought some presents for the kids next door :3 I hope they like them, some chocolate, some bits and pieces, and some of these bath beans. They love anything you give them, I gave one of them a peanut in it’s shell once and they had to run off to show their mother. I think we’re also compensating for the fact cousin is such a pain in the arse to buy for, he didn’t even like the bath goo last year, he said it was disgusting, he didn’t like the farting goo I got him either, wouldn’t go near it, and his mum played with the plasticine more than he did. :( The year before he said the lego helicopter was “boring” and that he didn’t want it. I kept it and built it myself… He said the real stethoscope was boring too… It’s hard to know what to get!

Oh well, nevermind… We got him some dinosaur stuff and if he doesn’t like it then tough shit.

New years resolution is to get back into this I suppose, felt more, uh, give up chocolate again? That last one after Christmas, obviously.


Here, I felted some ornaments for the Christmas tree. Have all the other random pictures off my phone/camera too.

So pretty!

Made the background in Photoshop, it’s not too much, is it? I love it. *_*

Reading through this blog and tagging old posts, one thing I’ve realised is that I really miss the Polyphasic thing. I was happy, more organised and more motivated when I was doing it, I updated this every day (and more) and generally enjoyed the experience. I’d try again in a hearbeat if I didn’t have to stick to such a schedule for college.

Maybe in the holidays I will try it again, I have a better schedule now to base it off, going to bed at midnight and getting up at 7-8am every day instead of what I had before, which was just staying up until I pass out and then getting up at lunchtime. The 25 minute alarm I made for doing it has been invaluable, even just as a snooze button for my morning alarm or for sitting and reading without losing track of time.


I need to tidy up the garden but the weather has been rubbish, the chickens aren’t enjoying it. When summer comes I may try and pen them in, just because they’ve totally trashed the garden, but I caught Thorax perching on top of the fence yesterday and he must’ve jumped 5ft to get up there so who knows, he may value his freedom too much.

He’s been getting aggressive, most of the time he just stands up to me if I walk at him, but sometimes if I turn my back he randomly attacks me. When he does I chase him round the garden, or if he’s really gone for me I pick him up and hold him in my arms until he gives in, he’s not gone for me in a while so I think he dislikes that. He attacks Terence a lot more than me though, he won’t even let him in the garden without pecking him. Terence insists “He pecks me because he loves me!!”

The days are getting longer, which is nice, it’s no longer dark when I get home from college. The apple tree we got last year has got buds on, I haven’t checked the pear, just noticed when I was letting the chickens out. Mum saw a bat and the birds are singing in the evenings again. Spring is here, I can’t wait for it to finally be warm again.

I’m neglecting this!

Die2Nite is fun. This college course is gonna fall to bits before a year is out due to absolutely nobody giving a shit.

I bet you know the electronics teacher though. He went on for an hour about how awesome phones and switchboards are (were) and how it’s a shame we’ve lost all that now it’s all done on computers. He wasn’t even supposed to be talking about phones, the lesson was on magnets.

It snowed a little bit! But it’s all melted now. I enjoyed it and I’m glad I wore in my awesome boots. Bought another waterer for the chickens because it keeps freezing solid when I forget to bring it in overnight.

I hope it snows again soon.

Go go stream of conciousness.


Tired tired. But happy! I got lots of shiny loot. A pretty new powerball (Which I instantly <3ed for three minutes, before placing it lovingly, somewhere safe. Somewhere I assume it still is –;; Damn thing will turn up eventually I guess, but I wanted to play with it. ;_;) Couple of books,(latest Terry Pratchett and a random one) a lace making kit(I don’t know either), a wallet and a nice leather bag. Terence got me perfume for some reason, but at least nobody got me soap this year. Well, the woman across the road did, but she also tried to give me fugly second-hand size 4 clothes and keeps inviting me over to get pissed and such, which I keep politely declining.

Got brother an EzFlash cart for DS and GBA, need to get him a bigger SD card for it though, 2gb doesn’t seem to be cutting it. Need to buy another anyway, he’s currently using mine because I forgot to order one, and I’ve got a sudden urge to play Scribblenauts.

Thinking about it, I guess I don’t drink or do drugs or anything because I’m a bit of a control freak. The idea of losing control of what I say or do scares me. That’s probably why I only really have friends online, the time to think before what you say, the anonymity, it makes it easier. Also, I don’t like the woman across the road, she scares me with her loudness. :p I prefer to be home, alone, in a room lit by nothing but my computer screens.

But meeting Tera was still fun, even if it did take us a while to properly relax. :p Hope I do get to go over there again, don’t think I can leave stuff here for more than a week though…

My comp crashed again when I tried to upload pictures from the camera, that seems to be one of the trigger points for it. Might have found a fix for it, maybe.

Anyway, I’ll post pictures of stuff tomorrow if I can be bothered. For now… I dunno!

Happy Christmas, people.

(And for the record, I love how the computers in Dexter beep every time he so much as mouses over something)

Day 4?

Why can I function so well on only 3 hours sleep.

Problem Points

1. 4am – 8am is my weak time, I need to be active during that time otherwise I end up falling asleep (and waking up naturally at 8:30, for some reason. I guess I’m used to waking up for half an hour then, because that’s when the postman knocks.) Reading does not count as active. Anything to do with sitting on my bed does not count as active. xD This is the time of the day I’d like to do housework, I get the urge to hoover and stuff, but I don’t think the neighbours would be very impressed.

2. Caffeine. I should give this up again. Sigh. I haven’t had a cup of tea in.. Days! Lemon water it is, although there is some ribena in the cupboard downstairs now I think about it.

3. The guy who did this said he slept better with a dim light, I suppose I could plug my computer light back in and buy a sunjar. I need a lamp or something in here anyway, nothing too bright but all I have at the moment is the ceiling light, so I end up staggering to bed in the dark, tripping over puppies and stuffed crocodiles.

4. I am typing this with my eyes closed because the amount of floaters in my eyes is seriously annoying and I don’t have the light on so the screen seems extra bright. This isn’t a new thing though. I still haven’t gotten round to that eyetest, but when I do, I’ll ask about it.

5. Food, should I try and improve my diet? At the moment it’s not brilliant.

6. More frequent naps? If I get drowsy I guess I should nap, but I feel fairly active and fairly alert fairly constantly, despite having no sleep. I’ve started trying to have half an hour of downtime just sitting before each nap, but it doesn’t seem to be making a lot of difference. My pattern at the moment is 12/4/8/12/4/8 but I’m gonna change it to 11/3/7/11/3/7, it’s not as neat but it feels more convenient.

7. Upon waking up I don’t feel groggy for more than a couple of minutes, despite only having half an hours/3 hours sleep with no dreams. What’s with that? Am I an insomniac? Bipolar? Am I suddenly gonna crash and sleep away a week? I do get fairly manic sometimes, and sometimes really depressed, but I figure everyone does to a certain extent. Maybe it’s just the way I built myself up to this, instead of going at it from a normal monophasic sleep pattern.

8. Whoa, my spelling is pretty good considering I’ve got my eyes closed. (I just tried typing this with more spelling mistakes, shiftin one key to the left, and it totally failed!)

9. It feels like 10pm, it’s 11:53am. I keep looking out the window and expecting it to be dark, I guess because I’ve got the blind closed and the light off, my sense of time is a little off. But if I open the blind, the woman from over the road watches me. <_< (She admitted it yesterday! “We watch the puppy sitting on your windowsill all the time :DDD”) and when mum was in hospital, the woman knew where I was, because she stoood outside and shouted my name when she wanted my attention. We need to move house again. ._.

I guess my dream house would either be in the middle of absolute nowhere, or in the center of the city, both good places to be anonymous. I like the city, I liked it when I used to go out in the evening to get a takeaway or something and there were just massive crowds of people all going places, all doing their own thing, not noticing anyone outside their own little bubbles. I love the buzz of it, even if I don’t participate. I also like having things close by. In the middle of nowhere, I wouldn’t get those, but at the same time there’s a lot more privacy, in my dream house I could hoover at 4 in the morning and not have to worry about waking any neighbours. Not feel constantly watched if I have the curtains open. Here in suburbia, there’s neither of those. It’s boring and quiet, there’s neighbours on either side and it’s a 10~ minute walk to get to the nearest shop. Close enough to be ok, but far enough away to still be irritating if you run out of bread and it’s raining. Two minutes walk I could do, a half hours drive I could do, a 10~ minute walk is just irritatingly neither.

I need to learn to drive and write a book or something already, I don’t really want a job and I’m not entirely sure I could find or hold one down even if I did. I need to find some way of making money, Tera linked me a nice article a while ago about becoming separate, not being tied down to a job or anything, lots of little sources of income. It sounded good, but it’s a lot of work and motivation to get there. I don’t think I’m gonna be tying myself down to another person any time soon either though. :/ I have a lot of free time now, I just need to invest it in something. (I’m trying, Tera :p)

I don’t need a lot of money, a small house or flat, with a good internet connection would suit me, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t have any other really expensive habits other than my computer. Enough to cover that and the odd book would suit me fine.

I dunno, I have two (who I speak to every day) online friends and no offline friends, but I don’t feel lonely, I’m good at entertaining myself if left alone and it means I’ve got no obligations, no commitments to anyone. Maybe the 3 of us will actually be able to make it to the same place at the same time one day, who knows. :p P Meeting Tera was fun, even if it was under really shitty circumstances. Might be able to get over there again in Jan, we’ll see how things are then. I wanna go back to Finland again eventually too, it was so pretty… I loved it, I really, really did…

So I guess I’d like to move out, live on my own already, even it meant getting a shitty job in tescos or something, but I can’t move out because of mum, I went on holiday for two days and she ended up hospitalised! She says it would have happened anyway even if I hadn’t left, but still. She’s getting worse and there’s nothing I can do but watch, she’ll have one good day then 4 bad days where she can’t even get out of bed and I’m not the most sympathetic, most caring person in the world at the best of times.

It’s been a fucked up year. That’s all I can say. Lets hope the next one is better.


Day one, I suppose. 9:41pm.

It’s 9pm, I’m silly, happy, hyper and I haven’t actually been to bed yet for more than half an hour. (Tried napping at fairly regular intervals and only managed to sleep one of them) I’m sure I’ll crash soon enough, but-

Maybe I can do this!

I’ve always been a terrible sleeper, mum says I was like, 2 or 3 before I finally slept though, and even now it always takes me a good hour or two to get to sleep. I never want to go to bed, and I never want to get up.

But I want more out of my time, and I want to dream more. I want to try lucid dreaming and I want more self-discipline and more energy. I want to see it get light in the mornings, instead of waking up at 4pm. I want to read more books and try more things without feeling like I’m wasting what awake-time I have.

I will try to do this, I promise.

Here, now, I promise that I will try.

Don’t let me down, Koco.

Yet I never give correct change…

For a long while, I collected all the change I got from everything, get home, put the change in the pig, ignore it. I was gonna save it up and buy something nice with it, but that never really happened.

I remember taking £25 out of it to get my nose pierced, all in pound coins. The guy in the bank was most impressed when I went to get it changed into notes. The pig also provided us with a few Chinese meals too and that’s probably why I only found two pound coins and a few 50ps in there when I was sorting it. There was an interesting article I read once about how genetics work on the same principle as a bowl of change, the rubbish but mostly harmless traits, the 1 and 2ps sink to the bottom of the bowl and are pretty much ignored, and all the good traits, the silver coins and better, get picked out over time. Sometimes you’ll go for something and find out it’s a washer or a key you don’t recognise, and that gets chucked in the bin. I think it might’ve been a speech by Dawkins, but I don’t really remember and the quick Google search I just did didn’t return anything.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to collect that much change again. I know the coinstar machine is gonna take a huge cut of it, but I really can’t be arsed to bag it all and deal with the people at the bank. Maybe the 20ps and up, but the rest can all just go into the machine.

You can click that for bigger. Took me an hour to just sort it that much.

Then afterwards, I went downstairs to wash my hands, and I found more!

As for pets… Four dogs (The two pups, and the two other dogs, who’re both around 8 now), the two hamsters and a cat (who’s getting on for 15)

I did have another hamster that I’d rescued off a stupid relative, but it died of old age a few weeks ago. Oh and there was another the dog ate, but we don’t talk about that. Stupid aunt… We went round to her house for something and I noticed her hamster had no water, at which point she said “Oh I haven’t seen it in a week, it’s probably dead.” the cage was practically lined with food, and she never cleaned it out. I think she just threw in a massive handful of food every time she passed and totally ignored it otherwise. It wasn’t dead, anyway, and I took it home and mothered it until it did eventually pass away.

She’s the same relative who had to surrender her rabbit because it got flystrike, and who’s guinea pig got an abscess the size of your hand on it’s back, which nobody noticed until my special-needs brother went round there to clean it out for her. Her cat died of kidney failure a month or so ago too, so she’s just gotten herself a new kitten… We’ll see how that goes. Grandma’s also been looking after her kid since she refuses to look after him herself, and the stress of that is most likely the reason she had the stroke…

In other news, I pre-ordered Dragon Age and downloaded the L4D2 demo, gonna wait for Christmas for the full thing though. I’ve not been out the house in a while as it’s done nothing but rain for the past week. Maybe I’ll go beg some coin bags from the bank if the weather’s better tomorrow.

Of headaches and blindspots.

I had an awful migraine last night. I guess it was about midnight, I was about to go downstairs and do something, when all of a sudden, blindness! Huge great blindspot in the middle of my vision where before there had once been images! It was my own fault for staring at the screen for too long though, I could feel it coming on and still kept ignoring the symptoms, I keep meaning to get new glasses but I never get round to it when there’s time.

The migraine started out as just blindness, then I saw stars for a while (proper stars, all in black and white! made of lines!) then my left arm went numb and I couldn’t open doors or lift my arm high or really do anything with that hand for a while. After my lips and all the other interesting aspects on the left side of my body started to go numb, I took painkillers and knocked myself out for the night. I’ve had a very slight headache and I’ve been sort of zoned-out all day, but no more than that, so that’s lucky.

It was interesting the way it kept changing though. I haven’t had a migraine like that in… Over a year, as far as I can remember. I think the last one was bought on by playing too much GTA:SA with Onni, we were playing it with some mod to make it a racing game, and I guess I focused too much on the screen for too long, one moment I’m driving along happily, the next, I’m blind! We must have clocked at least 100 hours on that game, and I’ve never actually gotten past the first mission. I might not have even got that far! Dunno how to play the proper game, but damn I can drive well. (Not as well as he could though, the only races I ever won were motorbike ones, and then only when he let me ;p)

Other than that, there were people here all day and not wanting to risk another headache, I spent the whole day away from the computer. Puppy is doing fine, lion-dog is actually asleep for once and I’m off to bed. I’ll set them up somewhere nice and take proper pictures of tomorrow, for now, I don’t wanna disturb them. It took hours for them to finally settle last night.

Yum yum!

(I was baited into writing this)


Basically. There are more important things in life than what other people do.

If somebody wants to go out and belive in God, fine. As long as he doesn’t do it near me I don’t care. If somebody wants to belive in science, same thing, as long as they don’t shove their belives (Belifes?) into my face I’ll shrug and go back to whatever I was doing. As long as you can respect other peoples choices and can consider both sides of the argument then I won’t think less of you for it. (Too much)

There’s no reason you can’t belive(I seriously need to look up the spelling on that) in God and still look at science. Ok, wanting to get creationism getting taught in science classes is annoying, but you need to see their side for a moment and also realise that the people shouting this are the smallest minority. Most Christians will be silent, doing whateverthefuck they do and not imposing it on anyone, same as most atheists. The people with the strongest and most stupid opinions will always be the loudest because the smarter ones know how to shut the fuck up and consider other peoples.

(I just noticed I default to generic “he”, isn’t that interesting – annnyway)

If you want to get God, then good. It can do great things for a person. It can give a needed focus and a reason to keep existing, a reason to do good things and show you paths you might not have considered before. It can give people a reason to do bad things too, but no doubt they would have found another excuse anyway.

So. Just learn to keep your face closed and don’t shove it on other people or your children. This goes for both the people who want to follow God and the people who want to follow Evolution. Educate in both and let other people make their own decisions.

If you do, for some reason, insist on trying to force your friends or children into your way of thinking, don’t whine or get upset after they reject it. In the end, it’s not your choice to make. I understand you think they’re going to burn in some pit after they die, (or whatever, I dunno) but isn’t that their choice? It’s not because you’re a bad parent and you haven’t failed by not converting them, it’s something they have to decide for themselves and you can’t do anything about that.

By trying to constantly convert and push other people to your way of thinking, you won’t get yourself any closer to God, but you will succeed in alienating yourself from normal people and driving away any who might have been gently turned to your cause.


I’m writing this on the shittiest laptop, so excuse any random spelling failures.

Ohnoes, I moved it!

I unsafely removed a device!

All I did was sit in a better position. ;_;

Anyway, yay, woo, random other exclamations that signify something good has happened! I have a blog again.

You know, my spellchecker doesn’t recognise the word yay? It also doesn’t know “spellchecker” and it’s INSISTING recognise should have a Z in it.

No words have the letter Z in other than zoo and zylophone, the faster it learns that the better.

757 Google results for Zylophone. Now there shall be 758!

It recognises Google.

But yeah, it’s 4am, and despite the fact this thing thinks it’s only 1, it’s really rather late to be writing a blog post.

Doesn’t recognise blog either.

Things I have done lately!

Fairly close to 70 on WoW
I just beat the second boss in Harvest Moon : Rune Factory My God he ran fast. Don’t use the fire-sword on him. He only takes half-damage from it. I found this out after I’d taken off 3/4 of his HP.

*unsafely removes device 4 times in the process of hitting enter*

I fucked up college and managed to get myself a year off, we have been moving house since may, things have gone to hell in the household-depression department. It’s making me emo, and I seriously don’t want to be. And I feel bad because I end up biting or abandoning people I really don’t want to bite or abandon.

I’m sorry. /)____(\ ~(sorry)

Kay I spent way too much time on that. To sleep I go.